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Miscarriages Happen and It’s Okay. Here’s What No One Talks About.

 

No one ever talks about miscarriages. I had no idea how many of my friends had been through this, until it happened to me.

I typically err on the side of the sunshine and rainbows of life, but I will not shy away from delicate topics that I believe need to be opened wide, discussed and shared. Whether it’s what’s in our tampons, the effects of birth control, where our breast cancer fundraiser money goes, or what it really takes to heal –  too often, issues of women’s health are discussed in private or shrouded in shame. And when it comes to miscarriages, as I experienced, this is one of topics that seems to be kept the quietest.

This past summer I had a miscarriage. I was eleven and a half weeks pregnant.

Miscarriages are common – up to 25% of pregnancies will end in a miscarriage in the first trimester. When I became pregnant for the first time, I had no idea.

There were a small handful of people that knew I was pregnant. My plan was to keep it on the down low for as long as possible (I was hoping 9 months!). What surprised me was that of this small group, nearly every single woman would tell me that she too had a miscarriage, or two. It certainly felt like more than 25%.

I don’t know if women don’t talk about this because pregnancy is such a private and personal experience, because there may be shame around a miscarriage, or perhaps for the reasons that I was experiencing – some sense of fault and guilt. I know that most miscarriages – up to 70% – are due to genetic or embryonic reasons, but this was hard to accept. For the first few weeks after it happened, I felt responsible, even though there was absolutely nothing I could have done.

For the first few weeks after it happened, I felt responsible, even though there was absolutely nothing I could have done.

Instead of allowing women to be present with the process of healing, everything I read kept insisting that I should not worry and that most women go on to have healthy pregnancies. I read that the sadness I felt would lift, and that my hormones would soon balance out. In short, everything I read seemed to brush over what I was experiencing and looked only to the future of the returning sunshine.

What I wanted was to hear from someone else who had gone through this too, without the click bait “5 things to know about a miscarriage” headlines.

And so that is why I decided to share my experience here.

Though I would never wish a miscarriage on anyone, it happens. I hope that in some way, sharing my experience may bring some level of comfort. I will say this: It is okay to feel exactly what you are feeling, whatever that is.

It is okay to feel exactly what you are feeling, whatever that is.

That was what I needed to know in that moment. I didn’t need the reassurance that all would be well on my next pregnancy. I wasn’t there yet. I couldn’t even fathom having the desire to be pregnant again. I still needed to be present with this one.

I grasped at reason and understanding, tried to find gratitude in the experience, and attempted to accept the feelings of both loss, and something like defeat.

I Did Everything ‘Right’

Please don’t ever tell someone they should have kids, or even ask about their plans, or tell them they should get started. You don’t know their life. You don’t know their circumstances. You don’t know what they’ve been through or what they are going through. And most of all, it’s nosy, annoying and butting in on one of the biggest, scariest and most profound decisions a couple will make in their relationship.

I was 36 when I became pregnant and since getting married four years earlier, too many people would tell me to start having babies, not to wait, that it gets harder as you get older.

For me, for the longest time, I straight up wasn’t interested. This, somehow, never seemed an acceptable opinion on the matter. There was so much my husband and I wanted to do first – and we did it. We did and achieved everything we wanted to and only when we were ready did we move onto this next stage, full of intention and preparation and without any regrets.

We planned for this. We did what few people do with ‘preconception planning’. My husband and I spent months detoxing our bodies, supporting our health, eliminating all sugar, alcohol and any processed fats (in addition to our usual healthful habits).  I had my blood work done and made sure all my levels were in the ‘optimal’ range.  I did everything ‘right’ for preconception planning.

I got pregnant fast. Straight away.

Almost immediately I felt horrible – exhausted, terribly nauseated 24-hours a day, unable to sleep properly with feelings of anxiety unlike anything I had ever experienced.

As this being continued to grow in my belly and shift my body, I very quickly felt like my body was no longer mine. I felt guilty for not feeling overcome with joy and excitement, having had so many girlfriends struggle to get pregnant. Was there something wrong with me that instead of joy, I felt overcome by fear over how everything was about to change?

Then I Had A Miscarriage

The miscarriage happened on a Thursday evening. The Sunday prior I had woken up feeling wholly like a new woman. The cloud of nausea and exhaustion had lifted entirely. I felt like myself again. My energy was back, my mood was stable. I could eat and drink as I pleased. I returned to yoga and my morning walks. I could do this!

The fear that had plagued me for the last few months was rapidly replaced by excitement and curiosity. My body was visibly changing now and I felt proud of what I was creating.

On that Thursday evening in July,  I was walking home from work with a slight ache in my abdomen and lower back. The pain steadily increased. I googled it and learned this was common at the three month mark as the pelvic girdle shifts and expands. I didn’t even think to look up “early signs of miscarriage”, because it hadn’t even entered my thoughts that this was a possibility. Not for me.

And then it began. I had a strong pain and as I got up from the couch a few hours later, I knew something wasn’t right.  I ran up to the bathroom and still had no idea what was happening. We called our midwife. She told us it sounded like a textbook miscarriage.

I was in complete disbelief. The cramping continued, followed by heavy bleeding. Two hours later it was over.

Allowing Time For Grief

Lying around feeling sorry for myself isn’t my style. Staying home sick is a stretch for me. After the miscarriage, all I wanted to do was lie around and feel sorry for myself. I felt weepy and lost, like an identity I had worked so hard to accept and embrace no longer fit.

Given how much fear I had experienced during the earliest months of this pregnancy, I didn’t realize how attached I was becoming to the being growing inside me. I had started picturing and planning for a life that included this new soul. And in the span of two hours, it was all gone. Losing a pregnancy is far more than the physical changes. It requires us to readjust the vision of our future.

Losing a pregnancy is far more than the physical changes. It requires us to readjust the vision of our future.

My body was back to normal in less than a week, but it took me nearly six weeks to truly feel myself again on the inside. I can’t say I got over it, I don’t think you do, but I am able to accept that it happened to me, without any shame.

Finding The Gratitude In My Miscarriage

Having come out the other side, I am able to have gratitude for the experience. A deep level of gratitude.

I am grateful for the depth of understanding I gained through this experience. I learned that the things we plan for the most will teach us our greatest lessons.

I am grateful that my body is strong and healthy enough to do what it needed to do – that nature was able to run its course without any intervention.

I am grateful that through the experience of my first pregnancy, I have been able to release some of the deep fear and anxiety I had around pregnancy.

I got only the smallest fraction of a taste of the love (and care and worry and all the other stuff) that a parent has for a child. And this tiniest fraction that I experienced makes the full-blown feelings a parent has for a child seem unfathomable.

I am grateful for the network of women that rapidly surrounded me. I have never been one for ‘sisterhood’ vibes, but I get it now. I felt the embrace by the most generous women offering presence, and love and food and really good advice (“Red wine to move the spirit!” YES!).

And of course, I am grateful for my husband who supported me through every step of the short pregnancy to its very end with unconditional love and presence.

Most of all, I am grateful that I now feel prepared to bring a human into the world with less fear, more knowledge and a greater acceptance for the elements that, despite my incessant desire to plan, are well beyond my ability to change or control.

Can We Have A Conversation About This?

Women are advised not to tell anyone about their pregnancy in the first trimester. I followed this advice and in many ways I regret that I did. It wasn’t fun having to let people know I had had a miscarriage, but I also found myself telling friends I’d had a miscarriage who I’d never told I was pregnant.

I learned through my own miscarriage how many friends of mine had also had one, but never spoke about it.

Why can’t we talk about this? I know that in the media most functions of the female body are glossed over with white imagery, blue fluids and pills as solutions. We can choose to open that conversation. Miscarriages happen. They are traumatic, uncomfortable, messy and heartbreaking. They have happened to women we know and love – and we may never know about it.

Miscarriages happen. They are traumatic, uncomfortable, messy and heartbreaking.

There is no reason for anyone to go through this experience without a support network, without compassion, understanding and maybe someone to make them a jar of soup and some muffins. There is no reason that something that affects one quarter of the female population should be shared only in hushed tones shrouded in shame, inadequacy, or fault.

I am a nutritionist. I am a health educator. I did everything ‘right’. And because it’s okay and because it happens, I am sharing my story.

77 responses to “Miscarriages Happen and It’s Okay. Here’s What No One Talks About.”

  1. Jennifer Frost says:

    I can completely relate to what happened to you. I am so sorry! I love your line about not asking people why they are not starting a family. As a married woman of 10 years, I get asked it often. We decided for personal and medical reasons not to start a family (not sure if we even can) and it hurts deeply when I get asked this question. Usually a joke about not liking kids, that is my way to cope.

    Thank you for sharing something so personal. I know other women will be blessed by your example.

  2. Abby says:

    Wow thank you so much for sharing your story. I also had a miscarriage a couple years ago and it was devastating. You are so right that we should talk about it because that is what helped me get through it, talking to those who also experienced the pain and sadness. I did go on to have a healthy baby boy who is 18 months now and I never take him for granted.
    Many blessings to you!

  3. Kat Mendenall says:

    Big hugs to you Miss Meghan. Once again you’ve taken an overlooked topic, tied it to a personal experience, and turned it into a learning opportunity for all. As part of the 25%, I’m sorry for your loss.

  4. Elizabeth says:

    Sending so much love to you and Josh! I truly honour your honesty and courage in sharing such a personal story and hope that it can indeed open up the conversation so others may not feel so alone.

  5. Melanie says:

    A beautiful written story, I experienced a miscarriage with my second child and everything you wrote struck a cord deeply. I am so much more compassionate and open hearted as a result my experience. I also consider myself a mum to 3 children even though only 2 are physically with me as my heart will always belong to 3. Thank you for sharing and I send love and best wishes to you and Josh in your journey x

  6. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/2ce8fee833721fe5b9b1db47acef518d?s=51&d=blank&r=g tadiulus says:

    I’m sorry for yours and Josh’s loss, Meghan. It does happen to many of us (in my case twice) and my experience was that it made people uncomfortable to acknowledge let alone talk about making it difficult for me to grieve. As usual, your honesty and open dialogue will hopefully reach many who need to read your unique and heart felt post. Sending virtual muffins and a big hug!

  7. Linda says:

    My love and prayers go out to you, your husband and your family. It just wasn’t meant to be. Yes, it is rough – you LOST A BABY! That’s hard for anyone! I am so happy that you were able to work through this and come out on the other side with greater understanding.

    • https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/599ccdf73b6d2f26a247dd52e9e5f8b8?s=51&d=blank&r=g Meghan Telpner says:

      Thank you Linda. I however believe it happened exactly as it was meant to be. We learned so much from this experience and I trust that it helps me to be of greater service and to continue on this journey with more knowing and understanding.

  8. Denise says:

    Hi Meghan, Thank you for opening up the conversation. I too had a miscarriage, my second pregnancy (17 years ago). I believe that it is a old’s wives tale that keeps us quiet about being pregnant, until the 2nd trimester. Then, when a miscarriage happens no one knows why you are so sad. Why are we not celebrating life when we know? I also wonder if there is any tie into abortion and when it is acceptable to terminate. There is the argument made by pro-lifers. It’s a shadier side of the thought. I’m sure you will get many responses to this and like you I found out that many women I knew had also had a miscarriage. As women, the support we get helps us to cope and grow. Wish you all the best going forward and love your recipes:)

  9. Linda says:

    Dearest Meghan – Thank you from the bottom of my heart for once again shining your light into one of the dark corners. You are a beacon for us all – and I wish you and Josh much health and happiness in the future.

  10. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/c53a01eae3874a10a61668b9fe797500?s=51&d=blank&r=g Shayne says:

    Sharing helps others who think that they are alone in the experience. I’ve been there, too, and did talk about it. Your sharing will undoubtedly resonate with many in your wonderful community and help those who have similar experiences. Being able to open up is hopefully good for your healing and I wish you and Josh comfort and joy.

  11. sunshine12 says:

    I’m so sorry for the loss of your little one; it’s so difficult coming to terms with pregnancy loss and you are correct, that it’s a very hush-hush topic. My daughter was stillborn on her due date due to a knot in her umbilical cord (unknown to any of my medical team until afterwards), that tightened during my initial stages of labour. We were devastated beyond compare. We were told so many things by people that were intended to provide comfort, but gave us anything but – such as “things happen for a reason”, “it wasn’t meant to be”, “she could have been born alive but had medical issues” etc… The only words someone wants to hear after losing a child at any stage of pregnancy is “I’m so sorry this happened. What can I do to be helpful?” I felt that so many people wanted to brush aside what happened, or had no idea that I still had to go through a full labour and delivery to deliver a child I would never hear cry, laugh or utter a breath. I’m glad you wrote this article – it’s important to address pregnancy loss, recognizing that we all grieve differently and that it’s okay to just “be”, to feel however you are meant to feel and not be judged for it.

  12. Sharon says:

    Thank you for this post! I, too, went through a miscarriage in the summer. The quilt I felt was enormous. Thankfully I have wonderfulparents who comfort me through the time. It is a difficult conversation to have with people. Wish you and Josh the best!

    • https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/599ccdf73b6d2f26a247dd52e9e5f8b8?s=51&d=blank&r=g Meghan Telpner says:

      Thank you! I hope you have experienced as I have that with the passage of time, it becomes easier to find the blessings.

  13. Jenn says:

    I know this feeling way to well. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks although I was already a mom to a 2yo. It is something difficult to go through and you feel like you did something wrong when you didn’t. It took me a while to be okay with what happened and I’m glad I did, I was very lucky enough to get pregnant right away when I was ready, and my son will be 4 this January. Thank you for sharing your story.

  14. Donna says:

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss, Meghan. It is a very painful time. Give yourself, and Josh, time to grieve, it hurts both of you. You won’t forget this time, and that’s totally ok. I will pray for peace and healing to come to you.

  15. Jen Tapp says:

    You continue to amaze me by the blessing you are to so many in your willingness to teach and encourage – even from a place of personal pain. I am so very sorry for you, Josh and your extended families to have suffered the loss of your baby. Please continue to give yourselves grace and space to grieve. If you have not already done so, my only suggestion is to memorialize your little one’s existence in some tangible – symbolic way to you. Part of processing our grief is in celebration/recognition of what led up to the experience. Those weeks are a part of your life’s journey. You are a remarkable woman.

  16. Lianne Phillipson says:

    Thank YOU for being as open as you always are, especially with such a difficult situation. You’re right, we don’t talk about this nearly enough. It’s a hidden subject, until it happens, then you want to know everyone else’s experience.

    I had a miscarriage at a similar time to yours, but started spotting earlier than the 11 1/2 weeks when I finally miscarried. Ultrasound showed that I had a blighted ovum. A sac and no baby. The tech (rather dismissively) told me that I had already had a miscarriage although I didn’t have more than a bit of spotting. That in itself was traumatic. Like you, I felt better for a week or so before it happened and was grateful for the relief from the nausea and feeling crummy. Major guilt on top of having to come to terms with that my body didn’t do it ‘right’.

    Two things helped me process what happened. My family doctor said that my body knew exactly what to do. Something wasn’t right and it did what was best in the situation. If it had of been right, the pregnancy would have continued. The second was releasing a candle down a small creek and saying goodbye to everything that I thought was to come. Say goodbye to my angel and allow myself to grieve.

    I went on to become pregnant shortly after, and now my daughter is 13 years old. I have since had four miscarriages and one other daughter. My body needed seemed to need to go through the process of miscarriage before maintaining a pregnancy.

    Heal my friend, as it sounds like you have and know that your body knows exactly what it’s doing. And will do so, once again.

    Much love and hugs xo

  17. Connie says:

    So sorry for your loss Meghan. I had two miscarriages years ago, one before my daughter who is now 21 and one between my daughter and my son’s birth, who is now 18. It is a tremendous loss and even though I went on to have two healthy children I still think about those little ones I lost. All my best to you and Josh as you are on your healing journey. Thank you for sharing your story.

  18. Ann says:

    Beautifully shared, Meghan. So sorry for the loss you and Josh are experiencing. Wishing continued healing and blessings to you, Josh and family. 😘

  19. Shireen says:

    Thank you for your post and for the courage to talk about this. I had a miscarriage last year at 9 weeks. I couldn’t understand why it had happened because my husband and I having been trying to live a clean life for many years. We only eat organic, eliminated chemicals from our home and try to reduce our stress as much as possible. I did feel alot of shame around the miscarriage. It was my most important job to grow a healthy baby and I couldn’t do that. I didn’t know of any resources to help women dealing with miscarriages. So I suffered alone. Until I decided to email all my friends and tell them about it. I was shocked to discover how many of them had gone through the same thing and suffered alone as well. It helped me immensely to learn that I was not alone and there was nothing I could have done. After the initial grief wore off, I wanted to find out what I could do to reduce my risk for future pregnancies. I underwent a full blood panel and discovered that I had hypothyroidism and extremely low vitamin D levels that lead to my miscarriage. I agree that many miscarriages cannot be avoided and are simply the body’s way of dealing with pregnancies that will not survive. However, I do urge women who are planning on getting pregnant to get a full blood panel to make sure they have adequate vitamin and mineral levels. It does not seem to be something that most conventional doctors do routinely. But for me, it made all the difference. I am pregnant again and so far everything looks good. I still have anxiety about this pregnancy but at least I know that my body is stronger this time. I try not to focus on my miscarriage but I am grateful for all the things that it taught me. That baby taught me compassion and understanding for other women going through this, gave me an appreciation for all the terrific nurses that took care of me and helped me to discover health issues that may have lead to more severe issues if they had remained undiagnosed.

  20. Trish says:

    I am so sorry for your loss! And I am thrilled you have shared your story.
    I had friends go through miscarriages but had no idea how awful it was – until I went through it myself.
    With my son turning 3 in a few months, I was delighted to give him a sibling. But I lost that child at 8 weeks along. I lost a second child the weekend he turned four – this time I was 18 weeks along. It was awful – at my 12 week ultrasound they had said a miscarriage was likely, but with each passing day my hope grew, until it did happen. I was devastated. It was literally months before I wanted to be around any babies. And then I decided I simply couldn’t try again – the pain was just too much.
    As is so often the case, once I stopped trying to conceive, I did. In honesty, I did not get excited that time around until after the 19th week – I just couldn’t. The doctors told me, you’re past the 12 week mark – be happy. But I couldn’t. I needed to know it would be okay this time. At 26 weeks I had a party to celebrate my pregnancy. And many friends were only told then. I look back and wish I had of embraced that little one in my belly sooner, but I couldn’t.
    I am pleased to say a week after my son’s 5th birthday I finally gave birth.
    And I gave up on my dream to have three children. I felt blessed beyond words.
    I so feel for anyone who goes through this horrible experience. All I can say is, be kind to yourself. And believe the sun will shine again in some way in your life.
    Thank you, Meghan for sharing your loss, your pain. I have no doubt at all it will help someone to hear your story and know that despite how it feels, they are not alone.

  21. Elizabeth A says:

    Thank you for using your own pain and loss as a vehicle for reaching out to others. I too lost a child in utero. My response was to go live in a Zen Buddhist monastery for four years, so there ya go. Much love and blessings to you and Josh xo

  22. Annabelle DeGouveia says:

    I am so sorry to hear this. I am so grateful that you wrote this. You are so right– it is rare to have anyone talk about it, and in most cases, women are encouraged to just move on and not share this type of loss. It is a true loss– at any stage. I lost two, and I went on to have four healthy babies, but still after so many years I can tell you the due dates of those babies. We need to hold each other up. Nothing is more important than that. Just hold each other up.

  23. Susan says:

    So beautifully said. Thank you for sharing your most intimate feelings. I relate so deeply to the feeling of “but I did everything right.” There are such huge lessons and insights into our greatest strengths in our deepest heartbreak. Take Care.

  24. Barbara says:

    Naturally following your process to reach the point of gratitude is a celebration of life. Gratitude is where so much of the healing takes place. When I miscarried, I eventually realized that there is a reason for everything and that there are no accidents. We must give blessings and thanks to that little soul that taught us so much!

  25. Alex says:

    Thank you so much for posting this. It sounds kind of morbid but it always makes me feel better to know that others have gone through this too. My story was very similar to yours I’m so sorry for your loss.

  26. Madeline says:

    Thank you for sharing your experience. I miscarried at 11.5 weeks, too. No one told me that it’s common and it’s devastating and that it’s okay to be devastated. They said “at least you got pregnant” and “25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage… so…” I asked one person, “Would you ever go to a funeral and say, ‘Well, 100% of lives end in death, so…'”
    The only part about my experience I’m grateful for is that it’s allowed me to connect with other women who are going through hell and offer an empathetic ear. Not advice, never advice, just a solid, “I’m here and I know and I’m so sorry.” Because that shit is hard and it’s a seventh circle of hell and it stays with you. There’s a quote by the author Barbara Kingsolver that comes to mind: “A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven’t. Most don’t mention it, and they go on from day to day as if it hadn’t happened, so people imagine a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had.
    But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And she’ll know.”

    I don’t know you but I’m sorry for your loss. And I’m glad you shared this story.
    -Madeline (mother of 3 – one gone, one here in the world, and one on the way)

  27. Livia says:

    I’m terribly sorry for your loss! Thank you for continuing to encourage and teach us all about “Life” and for the reminder that life isn’t always a bouquet of flowers! Pain and suffering is real and important to move through at our own pace. There is always a gift in every event of our lives ( good or bad). We just need to look for it as hard as it seems sometimes. My story is a bit different but the pain and suffering I’ve had to endure and the guilt has been horrendously similar. I had to go through it alone ( with the exception of my husband) because I didn’t tell anyone. I had to terminate a pregnancy because of my health and iatrogenic poisoning from the medical system. From the doctors whom I trusted my life with. I already had a teenage daughter but my new husband and I tried to have a baby for 6 years with no success. I finally got pregnant but at the worst possible time because of an unrelated medical issue which was caused by the medical system ( nothing I had done to myself). It’s taken me years to work through the guilt of our decision to terminate. I know now that I did the right thing as it’s taken me 4 years to heal and recover from the iatrogenic poisoning ( I’m still healing everyday and I almost died several times) but I’m still human. No matter our experience or circumstance, we all have our own pain and in our own way. Encouraging one another and being there for each other should be all that matters. It was hard going through what I did alone. I chose that route because I wasn’t in a place in my life to be able to take all the options of others and what I should and shouldn’t do. I truly see my experience as ( but different) a great loss. It was my only inevitable and it was so painful and excruciating to make that decision. I simply knew I was putting my baby at risk and my own life was already at a great risk. I couldn’t do that to my unborn child. The fear and terror I lived with everyday that My condition was putting my baby more in harms way. I’ve also had to work through a lot of anger and resentment towards the medical system and my trust that I was raised to instill in it all my life. Another wonderful learning from me throUgh this experience is to take control of MY life and MY health. What a learning curve. I’m loving this learning curve. Learning the art of empowerment is beautiful and learning that our bodies are INCREDIBLE forces of nature and KNOW what to do if we just leave it alone! A HUGE ah ha lesson!!

  28. Annie says:

    I had a miscarriage between my 2 children. It was hard and sad, but I was able to be very pragmatic about it – it wasn’t a viable pregnancy… I talk about it openly and matter-of-factly (not sure that’s a real word! 😄). It is hard, but the more women (and their partners – they suffered a loss too!) talk about it, the better it will get. Thank you for sharing.

  29. Jennifer Carter says:

    Miscarriages are extremely hard, I have also lost a baby. My eight year old daughter had a twin whom passed away during the beginning of the second trimester. The reassurances and people telling me it was for the best and to be happy I still had one, etc were hurtful and not remotely helpful. I still grieve for the baby 8+ years later and often think “what if.” Very sad to hear of the loss you two have went through , it is such a heartbreaking experience.

  30. Erin G says:

    Beautifully written Meghan; my heart aches for the pain you, and so many, have endured. While I have not experienced this pain, my husband and I did go through years of infertility struggles, another “taboo” issue, and once I spoke about it, I was shocked to learn how many others had also been through it. I also understand the pain of all of the questions; I have sworn to myself never to ask those type of questions to anyone ever again. And while it was the most difficult thing my husband and I had ever been through together up to that point, I belive it made us a stronger couple in the end.

  31. Karla says:

    Oh Meghan, I can’t begin to say how sorry I am for your loss. Babies are meant to be held, rocked and fiercely protectd and I will never understand how the Universe can be so cruel. Shortly after my first baby was born, there was complications and there was nothing that could be done but hold her and love her while she took her last breath in the comfort of my arms. I has a miscarriage almost a year later. I’m also supposed to be the “health guru” and it’s so entirely easy to feel isolated and backed into a corner of silence and enduring guilt that I have done something wrong. This time of year, for me, always feels especially emotional/magnified/intense. Wishing you lots of warmth and gentle peace, today, tomorrow and always. xx

  32. Elizabeth says:

    Meghan,
    First I am so saddened by your loss. Thank-you for writing about this topic. I had 3 miscarriages in my 20’s and they were pretty devastating. After my experience it seemed like almost everyone I knew had one but no one spoke of it as if it were taboo.
    I think one of the biggest take aways is stop asking people about their family planning and why they didn’t have kids etc. Everyone has their own personal reasons. Most importantly having a child doesn’t make you more of a woman, you are valid on your own.

    Bless you & I wish you and Josh all the best always in whatever you do. Thanks again for sharing this with us.

    all my best,
    Elizabeth Gorostiza

  33. Amanda says:

    I am so sorry for your loss, Meghan. Thank you for sharing your story. While I have not experienced a miscarriage myself, I too felt that my body was no longer mine during pregnancy and also great anxiety, fear and in turn, shame. As nutritionists and health advocates we can have a false sense of control over our bodies – we know that if we eat nutritious food we feel vibrant; if we eat junk we feel unwell. But ultimately so much is out of our hands. It is true that what we plan for the most teach us our greatest lessons. I channeled all that anxiety into planning a perfect of birth – and despite doing everything right my daughter was born in the OR. And while it was painful, that experience changed me in so many ways that given the chance to do it again I would never change a thing. xx

  34. M says:

    Thank you Meghan and the other ladies for sharing your stories. My husband and I did tell everybody early in the pregnacy for our second child. We felt that if we had any troubles we would want the support. I have another story that I will share about pregnancy. My mother decided to keep me after she learned she was pregnant from being raped by 3 men in her community. She was not able to report the rape due to circumstances. I was angry at these men. I have forgiven them since and believe that they must feel the ache of guilt in their hearts. At first I felt like she resented me because she isn’t that nice. I know now that I was the one beautiful thing that helped get her through the awful thing that happened to her. Her sadness is from a childhood of abuse and then the rape. Myself and my 2 sisters are what keep her from drowning in her sadness. I am proud of her and my Father that married her when she was 7 months pregnant. I hope this story is appropriate to share at this time. I don’t mind sharing my story. I always think the person I tell will mind though and feel really bad for me. I agree that we should share so we can have support. Years after I found out, I found a website with similar stories from the Mothers, daughters and families that have gone through the same. It was very helpful. This story still affects my entire family because of my mother’s sadness. I hope my story gives an understanding to whatever choice you made if this happened to you. Keeping the baby, terminating the pregnancy or adoption are choices that are each as difficult. Any one of these choices is not wrong. You must do what’s best in your situation.

  35. Lisa G says:

    Such an important journey to share. I also went through this twice in my pregnancy journey. I was in my mid / late 30’s and knew the “clock was ticking”, so when I experienced my first miscarriage at 9.5 weeks and again the second time at 8.5 weeks, it was quite a blow. In time, I was able to move past the grief. Someone who had been through it, told me to do something or buy something in memory of the losses. I was at a local Farmer’s Market and found the perfect silver ring. It was simple and unique and became a symbol of my strength and commitment to move forward while remembering the past. Third time lucky here…I had the best pregnancy – loved it!!! Our son is now 9, so worth the wait! Blessings in your journey! 🙏🏼

  36. Anna says:

    Thank you for sharing Meghan. You have told us a beautiful story about motherhood. And yes, you have already experienced motherhood. In the words of Glennon Doyle Melton,
    “Life is often brutiful” (beautiful and brutal all at once). I would say that this is so true of motherhood…. May you continue to find strength and grace through your friendships. May you and Josh continue to share your journey with those of us who keep you close to our hearts, even though we have never physically met. Hugs to you both.

  37. Erin sands says:

    I am so sorry, Meghan. I had my second miscarriage at 13 weeks at the age of 38. I fell into such a pit of despair. Since I already had 4 children, people around me didn’t understand my sadness and said I should appreciate what I already had. Of course I did, but it does not take away the sadness of the loss of this precious little life. I had to take the time to mourn, cry, sleep, and watch endless movies about babies (my weird way of mourning). I have since then had a 5th child, a daughter after 4 sons. I am so grateful for her although there will always a piece of sadness in my heart. I do imagine myself one day stepping into heaven and seeing my sweet little babies I lost come running to me yelling, “Mommy, Mommy!”

  38. Aisling says:

    I always thought it odd that we don’t share this – only happy news, not the sad news…but the sad news is usually the news that we need support and comfort with. Thank you for sharing. Sending you and Josh many hugs!

  39. Dana says:

    I’m very sorry for your loss Meghan. But thank you for this post. At 7 or 8 weeks pregnant, after a week or so of nausea, I felt totally okay again. This worried me as my last pregnancy I was sick and hated food the whole first trimester. Lately I just haven’t felt pregnant and miscarriage has been in the back of my mind. My friend miscarried this Saturday at 19 weeks and my heart broke for her. Then I read this very timely post yesterday. Today, at nearly 10 weeks pregnant, I had my first ultrasound. All that was found was the amniotic sac with some irregularities. No baby. I was not surprised. But I am in total grief today. And my doctor is 99.9% sure I will be miscarriaging at any time over the next week or two and the thought terrifies me and the waiting is hard.

    Anyway, I feel like your post has prepared me for this in ways, and I appreciate you being vulnerable and putting it out there.

  40. Tanya Mathieu says:

    Thank you Meghan for your transparency, vulnerability, bravery, and strength. I am so sorry you experienced this and I so appreciate and admire your desire to create a space for women to speak about this harrowing life event. My heart goes out to you and Josh. Whenever the time is right, I hope you get the family you desire. It is abundantly clear that you and Josh have so much love to give. My prayers are with you.

  41. Chris says:

    Megan, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My very first pregnancy, I had a miscarriage at exactly 12 weeks. I was like you – I had horrible morning sickness for a long time and then all of a sudden it stopped cold one day. A couple of weeks later I started spotting and an ultrasound showed an embryo with no heartbeat. I started hemorrhaging the next night and had to have a D&C the day after that. I still felt pregnant – the hormones took a while to leave. I came home from work and cried every day. I really do feel for you. I thought there was something wrong with me. Luckily, I now have three beautiful children that are 18, 16 and 12, but I still remember the one I lost. My sister-in-law gave me a little ceramic angel to represent the one I lost, and that helped me more than anything. That and hearing about so many other women who had the same experiences. I will send some prayers for you and Josh, and I’m looking forward to the day you tell us about your new baby. :)
    Chris

  42. Debbie says:

    My sincerest sympathies for your loss, Meghan and Josh. I, too, had a miscarriage at the age of 26 just before the three month mark. It was a devastating loss. The words you wrote spoke to me at such a deep level. It’s a loss that tends to get swept under the rug because you can “try again” but the pain is real. I went on to give birth to two beautiful daughters who are in university now and am also an Amma (our word for grandma) to a beautiful grandson. What the loss taught me was to appreciate all those special moments with my children. At times I was filled with so much joy, I would have what has been coined an “aha moment” and was so in the moment and grateful for the magic these two brought into my life. My prayers are with you both at this time and always. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sure it wasn’t easy but is very much appreciated.

  43. Sheri says:

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting this. You just gave voice to nearly my exact situation down to the emotions and time lines. And I too felt it wasn’t really okay to talk about it. I tried to be the open advocate I wished I had had but it seemed to make people feel uncomfortable when I spoke about it. I am so glad to see you starting the conversation so women like me could have received the support needed to arrive at acceptance and gratitude as you did.

  44. Catharine says:

    Thank you for sharing this piece. I am sorry to hear of your loss. Your writing was very thought-provoking to me. I have been contemplating it for a couple of days now. I was surprised initially how much sadness I felt, both for you and ultimately, I realized for myself. Loss is such a difficult thing and yet such a part of life. As you have conveyed, it is in finding gratitude for what is that we find peace and ultimately joy and appreciation for other aspects of our human lives. Like you I have experienced a miscarriage. Mine was 13 years ago and I perfectly fit the stats of 1/4, having delivered 3 healthy children (although I agree that seems a low estimate!). I did not realize my sadness was still deeply present but as I sat with it, I was also reminded that times of loss or deep challenge in my life have always also led to deep connection to aspects of my community that were often new to me. The journey of life! Thank you for helping to build more connection and may your heart be filled with many new joyous experiences.

  45. Julie says:

    Oh Meghan, I am so sorry for both you and Josh.
    Both my sister and a very good friend had a miscarriage, too, and both told me about it weeks after it happened. It really is a sort of taboo – and it shouldn’t. Please feel hugged and take all the time you need to heal and feel the loss.
    My best
    Julie

  46. Maggie says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss Meghan, and Josh’s too. I had a miscarriage and it was a very sad and lonely experience. I too wondered why on earth no one was discussing it. It made me quite angry at time time. Sending you my love for your emotional healing. Thanks for being strong enough to share your story. xo

  47. Colleen says:

    I am so sorry to see you went through this, Meghan. But I am so glad women like you are opening up the conversation. I also miscarried at 8 weeks. I now have a healthy baby but I still think about that little life every now and again and send it my love, wherever it is. It’s still one of mine and always will be.

  48. Lindsay says:

    Meghan, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. xo

  49. Jessica says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. This is a great post though that will hopefully help so many women. I agree it’s something that isn’t talked about enough and every women that’s been through it deserves to be wrapped in love.

  50. Amanda Doueihi says:

    Meghan, I’m so sorry you and Josh went through this. I am not at a point where I am having children, but this has happened to a few friends and you’re right – no one talks about it. I have been following you since 2009, and I’ve seen how much you have grown and embraced this amazing way of life, and how you continue to grow. You’re a really special person and I love that you allowed yourself to feel the emotions you were feeling. That’s just as much part of the sunshine and rainbow lifestyle. It’s OK not to be OK sometimes. Thank you for sharing such a personal story and for sharing what you learned from this. Sending you guys so much love and light. xx

  51. Mari Loewen says:

    Hi Meghan, Also very sorry to hear this and so awesome to put it out there. I’m sure so many women can relate to this story. We should all be more real about what life really hands us. What got me through tough times was knowing that after the pain there is joy. I read that somewhere and it really is true. You already know this and do this well. All the best to you and Josh. xo Mari

  52. Dreamer says:

    Although this may seem a strange way to start out… I want to say *Thank You* – you have given a voice to this lonely journey & I am certain that in posting your experience & sharing your ‘journey’ have given many, many women (& men) “permission” to share, to feel, and to acknowledge their journey as well. Like many, I too have experienced miscarriage – in fact, it got to the point that as much as I wanted a child and to be able to experience pregnancy & childbirth – I was ‘afraid’ to see the positive for fear of losing it. In all others areas of my life I ‘appeared’ healthy & strong & “well” …in many ways I was :) But the piece that people often brought up & “pushed” + offered advice was perhaps the most raw & painful. Ultimately, acupuncture, yoga, meditation and Mayan abdominal massage brought me our strong & beautiful daughter – who is now 13 – and a HUGE Meghan Telpner fan ;) you both have your own unique & amazing style – that makes the world a better place! *Love*
    I will say that despite having 8+ months of extreme “all day” sickness, her natural delivery was powerfully beautiful & she was a “healthy” 9 lbs!!! I have since had several more miscarriages & ectopic pregnancies – at the age of 40 I lost twins at 12 weeks & decided I could no longer put my body through the up & down roller coaster. I am deeply grateful for the gift of our daughter & for the small circle of women who have shared & supported me on my journey… not everyone ‘gets it’ & after a lot of reflection – I believe it is not necessarily out of ‘fear’ of sharing – but more for the protection of our own heart & souls – at how other people’s unkind comments will perhaps hurt our hearts further – “things happen for a reason” & “it’s probably for the best” – still feel burned in my heart – though healed over by time & love ;)
    Whew…thank you for sharing, thank you for offering this space & voice to so many & MOST OF ALL much *love* & *light* & (hugs) to you & Josh on your journey+*+*+ xo

  53. Kim says:

    Dear Meghan. It is amazing how attached we become to the little person growing in our womb. We dream about what they will look like, and who they will become and the memories we will make with them. We have hopes and dreams for our bigger family-to-be. I had 2 miscarriages in my late 20’s, and was heart broken after the first, and devastated after the second, thinking that maybe I would never be able to have children. I am so thankful for friends who rallied around and helped us through the very real grief. My obstetrician at that time was very heartless, but family & friends & my faith in God helped keep me going when I cried myself to sleep. I am now in my late 50’s and God has blessed us with 5 healthy children, now ranging in age from 27 – 15. I too had really awful morning sickness, fatigue like I had never before experienced, and I was always cold…Morning sickness actually lasted all day…not sure why it is called MORNING sickness! My first miscarriage was at 6wks ..the second at I used to say, ” I wake up, I sit up, I throw up!!” As I have grown older and gone thru menopause, other symptoms have led me to do some research which have led me to believe that I may actually have had a hormone imbalance all my life, esp. in regards to progesterone, and also realized the body’s need for more magnesium than is in most of our diets. I so wish I knew back then what I have learned since, which is probably way less than you already know! I pray that God will help you to keep dreaming & hoping and give you the wisdom to know how best to help your body through this time and bless you & Josh with healthy children . Hugs. Kim

  54. Mechi says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am sorry for what you went through but am grateful you felt compelled to write about it. I have never understood why Dr’s recommend not telling anyone about a pregnancy until the 12 week mark. Not only does it create an environment of secrecy/shame as if a miscarriage is the woman’s fault, but also since a miscarriage is a major loss, women deserve love and support through it, which would be lacking if no one knew they were pregnant in the first place. I am so happy you had/have a sisterhood to lean on.

  55. Carla says:

    Thank you for sharing your heart and your story with all of us. May God’s love surround you and Josh as you heal and go forth on your journey together.

  56. Georgina says:

    Dear Meghan,
    I had a miscarriage back in 1986. We’ve certainly come a long way. Reading your stories and the powerful stories in the comments makes me feel understood, and even though my miscarriage was so long ago, I remember the anxiety and the fear. Back then, there weren’t many places or groups where one could share this experience. My mom came to stay with me, and we both watched ‘The Wizard of Oz’ after the D&C procedure. It was a very dark day, but the promise that the rainbow was somewhere out there gave me hope. Thank you for giving hope and consolation to your readers.

  57. renee says:

    Please feel love and hugs coming from SF. Grief is natural for you now, with the loss. Time will make the pain more bearable. Thanks for openly sharing your experience. I know many will benefit. For a moment I let myself imagine your pain, I’m so sorry this happened to your family.

  58. Emma Ramsden says:

    Meghan, thank you so much for sharing your story. Huge hugs to you and Josh xx Your story was so heartfelt and honest and helped me to reflect on my own experience, and those of my friends. I agree that it seems to happen to so many women, 25% seems to be quite an under-estimation. I went through something called a ‘missed miscarriage’ after IVF at 7 weeks, then I chose to have a D&C, as I just didn’t know when I would fully miscarry and I was really scared about being in pain, being out of the house and it just happening. Coming from an extremely fertile family, you could say I’m the odd one out! However, stories like yours really help. I found that some people are unintentionally insensitive or just don’t talk about it. It’s then hard to get support, unless you look for it and that takes will and energy! It’s taken me 3.5 years to realise just how traumatic the whole experience was, but that’s OK. We all work through these things in our own time. It sounds like we had similar feelings around pregnancy, thank you for verbalising your feelings. It’s so confusing to feel all of those things (excitement, hope and fear/dread) all at the same time. Thank you for being brave enough to write about something so emotive and so personal. Love to you and Josh xx

  59. Ashlee says:

    I’m only 24 hrs post the miscarriage experience, it still isn’t really over yet physically and certainly not emotionally. Thank you so much for writing this, I feel like what you’ve written could have been from my own mind it hits such a chord. I’m just riding the first waves of devastation one moment and numbness the next and just knowing that this experience and these feelings are not mine alone is so comforting. Thank you so much.

    • https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/599ccdf73b6d2f26a247dd52e9e5f8b8?s=51&d=blank&r=g Meghan Telpner says:

      You are in it right now. Be with how you feel and do whatever feels like the right thing for you. The recovery is different for everyone, but it does happen. Take care of yourself.

  60. Andrea says:

    This is such a great post. I had a “blighted ovum” and had to take meds to induce my miscarriage a few months ago. It was awful. I had (and still have) so many of the feelings that you describe. I felt totally removed from myself and it took me a while to recover…I’m still working on it. I, much like you, had to warm up to the idea of having a child, and once we decided we were ready and found out I was pregnant, I couldn’t have been more excited. I am an ER nurse, and was very guarded about my pregnancy, because I understand the risk involved and see so many patients go through similar things. None of that could have prepared me for the way I felt. I’m still healing, just like so many other women. Your willingness to share your experience is appreciated.

  61. Ryan Jacobson says:

    I have also experienced multiple miscarriages and feel so uncomfortable with. It getting excited about the most recent pregnancy because we have had repeated pregnancy losses. I feel robbed of the excitement and celebration because everyone is just waiting past the12 wk mark to be happy. My husband got mad that I told My mother and I mentioned that if I miscarried, I’d still need support. I don’t understand why we act this way about pregnancy and it’s disappointing to me. That being said, I learned that I had MTHFR mutations and ended up having two healthy babies with proper intervention. I’m on my 9th pregnancy but this would be a third child. I’m still early and hoping for the best. Thank you for addressing this topic.

  62. Nora says:

    Thank you for writing this. I had a miscarriage when I first got pregnant, too. We didn’t tell anyone at the time but a handful of people, and it was so hard not to have much support.

    Nobody talks about how it can affect following pregnancies, either. I was at the hospital every week, barely ate anything other than toast and couldn’t sleep because I was so anxious. I ended up in psychiatric treatment because of it, and I felt so ashamed.

    Even with our second daughter we didn’t tell anyone until week 15, not even family. I do talk about having had a miscarriage very openly now though. Women this happens to need to know they’re not alone!

  63. Tammy Corbett says:

    I had a miscarriage at the ending of the first trimester of my first pregnancy. I went on to have two other successful pregnancies. There are so many dangers a pregnant woman must avoid during her pregnancy. It’s helpful to read up on what is safe and what isn’t to protect your unborn child. If you’re taking any type of antibiotic make sure to talk to your doctor about the risk of miscarriage. Some antibiotics are safer than others. Birth Defect Research for Children (BDRC) covers this topic in their blog post: Rethinking Antibiotic Use in Early Pregnancy: Some Linked to Miscarriage – http://www.birthdefects.org/antibiotic-use-early-pregnacy/ it’s definitely worth the read!

  64. Mary says:

    So sorry Meghan to hear about your pain and that of so many others who have had miscarriages. I can’t even imagine how difficult this must be.
    As for myself being unable to conceive children has also a lonely path. Adoption was not a good option for my husband and myself for several reasons. We tried and tried to conceive until we learned I had gone through early menopause. It was sad. My husband was very fertile, but I was not. Maybe we should have looked into getting a surrogate. I don’t know.
    I did talk about being unable to have children to friends and family. Everyone was sympathetic, but I never talked to anyone who shared my experience. I do know of couples who do not have children, but I do not know any childless couples well enough to talk to them about not having children.
    I must add that I have a wonderful niece and nephews, two of which have their own beautiful children. My husband and I love and enjoy spending time with all of them so much.
    Still, my husband and I, so many years later, feel the sting of loneliness, of being different. Being childless, so many years later, still feels like a lonely place.

  65. Sarah says:

    I have also experienced a miscarriage. We also decided not to share it with anyone and hence we didn’t have much support. But now after reading your post, I realized that by sharing we gain a lot of information. We come to know what is safe and what isn’t to protect our unborn child. Thank you for the initiative it helps us to open up and talk about things that females decide to hide and keep it upon themselves. Also, I was going through the website and found an excellent page “Miscarriage” that talks about “Types of pregnancy loss” on WhatToExpect. Hope it will be helpful to many women who can prevent the risk.

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